29th October 2014 is the first National Employee Motivation day:

 

There is no I in team

Management speaks:

 

In the interests of staff moral the management has released a statement:

Your manager was hoping to make the motivational address in person, but he is currently attending a very important conference at a golf resort in Portugal.

Please make sure you read it (in your own time) because it is in all our interests that you are happy in your work. After all, a happy workforce is a productive workforce.

If you feel you are unhappy in your work you can speak with anyone in the Human Resources Department and they will assess your dissatisfaction and dock your pay accordingly.

 

Moving forward, we are now in a position to reveal that we have a major new initiative that we are about to roll out. This will be implemented in Q3/Q4, and thus far no serious objections have been reported. For your convenience and to protect your privacy all details pertaining to the new working conditions will be made clear in your revised contract of employment.

We need to push the envelope on this one and therefore we’re totally committed to training and education. It’s an aggressive schedule and not wanting to exaggerate the case there’s a potential for a significant upside in revenues. This is good news for the shareholders and I am sure you will wish to join me in thanking them for sticking with us through the good times. 

We are currently at least 24 months ahead of the competition, but remember, we’re not just juggling frogs and weasels so we must ensure that we are all singing from the same hymn sheet. Every member of staff will receive a booklet detailing official answers to be given should they be questioned by the press.

Once we touch base with this mission-critical game-plan we hope to bring to the table pro-active actionable incentivisation, empowering employees to take it to the next level. Although there are often moving goal posts, it is primarily an exercise in box-ticking.

We may, at some juncture, encounter a different can of worms, but once we are out of the loop we have an opportunity to leverage a new bench mark to bring to the table. On occasions we are all going to have to jump through hoops, vis-a-vis, sending certain priorities to the back burner in order to get our ducks in a row. However, we intend to utilise the situation as an opportunity for improvement on this slippery slope.

We hope that the movers and shakers among you will see the big picture, ensuring that the core business and bottom line benefits from a best-practice mindset.

There is surely no need to remind you that this is a win-win situation, but please do try to keep in mind that our business is going through a paradigm shift and there are larger issues at stake.

Yours with much sincerity

The Management Team 

 

Motivational management is about knowing how to use the words. Not just reciting them.

 

So, there you have it. I hope you are now all motivated.

And remember:

When someone tells you “There is no I in team,” just point out,

“Maybe not, but there is definitely u in fukwit.”

 

Now, please be upstanding for a rousing rendition of the company anthem…

 

Let’s see your favourite examples of management speak in the comments below.

 

Management speak

Management and the art of motivation was last modified: October 30th, 2014 by Rheddington